From the Mind of Meegs

After almost 30 years of tangling with customer service bureaucracies, I think I have finally perfected a system for getting satisfaction regardless of the issue at hand.

The trick rests in a common technique known as "Good Cop, Bad Cop." However, given that there is just one of you, you will have play both the Good Cop and the Bad Cop. The idea is to build a relationship with the individual, which will make them want to help you, while at the same time instilling fear as to what might happen should they choose not to help. Plus, the changing keeps them off balance and vulnerable. If I remember my Psych 101 (and maybe I don't), Pavlov and Skinner both discovered that inconsistent reinforcement was the best way to produce a desired behavior. Keep the subject guessing, and s/he is more likely to do what you want.

Here's roughly how this might work.

1. Start off being nice. Real nice. Super sweet, in fact. This is as much for your benefit as it is for theirs. For all you know, this could be an easily resolved issue. No point in raising your blood pressure if you don't need to.

2. As it becomes clear the issue will not be easily resolved, begin to get in touch with your inner bitch. Be firm and demanding without ordering them around. Be snide and even a little bit haughty without being outright rude. Gradually escalate as long as issue appears unresolved.

3. Once you sense that the subject is frazzled enough by your bitchiness that s/he is about to shut down, pull back suddenly and without warning. Distance yourself from your inner bitch. Apologize, even. I like to go with something like, "I'm sorry. As you can tell, this is a very frustrating situation for me. But you had nothing to do with it getting messed up—in fact, this is probably the first you're even hearing about this. Yet here you are getting the brunt of my frustration, which is not fair. Can we figure out a way to work this out?"

[Note: Obviously, does not apply if this person has screwed things up prior to the current conversation. In that case, continue with escalating bitch mode.]

Continue alternating nice and bitchy as the situation dictates. At certain points, it might even be necessary to be both in the same sentence.

Example:

My health insurance company recently denied a claim of mine. It's a long story. But to make it short, the problem is that they can neither read nor do simple math.

By correctly performing steps 1-3, I was able to make the telephone representative see that an error had been made. His solution was to ask me to resubmit the claim. My response was a perfect marriage of deferential and demanding. "I don't see why I should have to resubmit this claim. As you yourself admit, all the information needed to properly resolve the claim is already there [bitchy]. However, you deal with this everyday and so you know the system better than I do. If you think resubmitting is the best way to get my money, I'll be happy to do that. I'll drop it in the mail first thing tomorrow [nice]. But I won't actually be sending in any new information. I'll just be resending everything they already have with a note that says, in effect, 'Please get it right this time' [bitchy]."

At this point, it was after 6 PM on a Friday evening. Mr. Telephone Representative responds with, "No, you're right. Let's see what we can do without resubmitting. The department I need to talk to is closed right now, but I will call them first thing on Monday morning. If they can review this same-day, you'll hear from me on Monday. If they can't, it might be Tuesday."

"That's wonderful. I so much appreciate you taking care of this for me [nice]. I just want my money back. If I have to wait until Tuesday, it will be a small price to pay for having this finally resolved correctly [subtly bitchy]."

Well, they were actually able to locate a supervisor from the other department who hadn't gone home yet and who reviewed my claim immediately. So at about 7 PM that same night, I received a call that my check would be on its way. So much for Tuesday!

Emboldened by my success, I used the same technique at the post office. In one conversation, I went from telling the clerk how grateful I was because he was the only person who had ever in my life bothered to listen to my pleas for assistance, to insinuating that he was illiterate, and back again.

The result? A missing package was hand-delivered to my residence at 7:30 PM, also on a Friday night.

Nothing is more satisfying than having people postpone their weekends in order to do your bidding.