From the Mind of Meegs

Right now, I'm putting off making a to-do list. This post is a confession, but the time I will spend writing it is a way of enabling myself to continue in my dawdling. Can a confession really serve its purpose if that same confession is also a means of continuing in your transgression?

Normally, I find list-making empowering. It is my sense of control. I am not a very organized person, nor do I thrive on routine, nor have I made good on my 2007 resolution to purchase and use a calendar (though now that it is 2008, I think that resolution has officially expired--phew). So my lists are my primary--nay, only--method of keeping my life from spinning out of control. It allows me to keep a grip on what little sanity I have. It also gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment to cross things off my list.

Usually, I maintain at least two to-do lists: one for immediate tasks that need to be completed within the next few days (paying bills would be a good example) and one for larger projects that I plan to tackle over the next few weeks (a major cleaning and re-organization of my bedroom would be a good example). Some larger undertakings get their own sub-list.

I've known for several weeks now that I need to have a hardcore list-making session. First, I put it off because I knew that I had several days off coming up over Christmas. So I would use all that free time to make my list. Then the break came, and I reasoned that none of it was going to get done over the holidays anyway, so why burden myself with it? Might as well fully enjoy these last days of freedom, then get down to business. But now I have been back to my routine for 3 days, and yet the list remains unmade.

The primary reason for my delay is that I know this list will be killer. I already have two major, major projects that will merit their own sub-list. Furthermore, it appears that I will moving within the fairly near future, because I am crazy and I like to torture myself. And if there's ever a project that merited a sub-list, it's moving. So roll out sub-list #3.

As long as I don't make the list(s), I can stay in denial about what's coming up. I can pretend I'm carefree. I can avoid the tremendous work of getting started on all this. Once I write it down, it becomes real. Once I write it down, I'm accountable. Actually, I'm already accountable. If I don't get all this done, there will be consequences that will impact me and others. But those consequences seem so far off. The accountability of a to-do list is much more immediate, which is exactly why I don't want to make my list--and exactly why I have to.